I remember being five and thinking about how big the ten-year-old seniors at my school were. They were older, taller, more mature, smarter even. I remember being ten and thinking the same about the 14-year-olds in class 9. I wanted to be in high school, I wanted to be in the student council. I wanted to be older and more important. I remember growing older each year and fantasizing about being even older on my next birthday. And if I’m being perfectly honest, I still do.
Category: Personal Essay
The word ‘wrong’ has a certain sense of foreboding associated with it. When you find yourself in a ‘wrong’ situation, your hands get clammy, your heart feels like it is sinking and there is this tiny little voice that keeps telling you ‘no’. It is just the way human beings are wired, their bodies starting to react the moment they do something that does not align with their idea of morality.
Growing up, I’ve always been a girl who worries about the future instead of soaking up the present. I want to know who is the mastermind behind four brutal murders before I even watch the movie and I skip a few pages of my romance novel to see what happens next.
Books are immortal; don’t get me wrong, censorship and burning copies were enough to drive certain books to extinction. I mean that once the words are penned down and the idea is shared, they become immortal in the minds of the readers. In a way, books are like people; they are to be loved and cherished.
As a child of a merchant navy captain, I have spent most of my childhood on a ship, sailing across endless stretches of blue with occasional land in sight. These long journeys meant that alongside a very limited collection of pre-recorded cartoons, few storybooks, and my mother, I only had the company of the serene sound of the ocean, the clear blue sky during the day, and a sky full of stars during the night. Perhaps that is why I derive so much comfort from them, even today. While the ocean had its own charm and effect on me, the stars have played a very distinct role in my life. The above and what lies beyond the above has never ceased to fascinate me, even as a 10-year-old and I doubt there will be a time when I would look up at the sky and won’t be ‘starstruck’ by how unreal it all feels. While every brush with a stargazing experience has been nothing short of magical, two particularly unforgettable experiences made me the person I am today, fascinated and appreciative of the little things that have huge impacts.
On the night of October 11th 2016, I went through a life-altering experience – something that shook me to the core. I never thought I could ever talk about it but as time passed, I’ve learnt that the only way I could deal with it is if I confront it. It was just 24 hours that I could never get out of my head but to be honest, I hardly remember any of it which is what makes it worse for me. I have spent days, months, and years now trying to piece together every hour of that day but all I have is what others saw and what I felt. It was a journey for me, and I’ll try taking you along with me.
In today’s world, fueled by materialism and consumerism, a lot of people see self-love as just pampering oneself. This is true to an extent, retail therapy works, but it’s superficial and isn’t long-lasting. Some people think that becoming physically healthier is what self-love truly encompasses. However, it’s not easy to suddenly change your diet to primarily consist of things you don’t even enjoy eating, or start going to the gym expecting to see results in a week. What’s more, if we fail to execute this new regime properly – if we skip a day of training or cave and buy that tub of ice cream; it gives us more of a reason to be harsh on ourselves. If we don’t deal with the underlying issues we face in our lives, I don’t think these attempts at self-love are very effective.
Imagine this: You are standing under a tree waiting for someone. It is windy but you don’t try to seek shelter somewhere else. It’s a cold night. You keep waiting, wearing a jacket not only to protect yourself from a bit of thorny weather but also because you think you look kind of okay in it. It’s the jacket’s familiarity that brings you comfort and protects you.
I sat in a sea of phones; headphones, earphones, phone calls, and reels catching up on the latest soap or a random YouTube video with a cute baby on it; you name it, we’ve got it. The Bengaluru Metro isn’t the Saturday night party space where you meet strangers who turn into friends, here everyone has a purpose. Each person has somewhere to be. Some students, some homemakers, others working professionals, I shared the ladies’ coach with these bright people who, despite coming from different walks of life had one thing in common, their phones.
A photo album is a goldmine of memories. From the first step we take to our graduation, every small or big achievement and even moments where we share a tear or smile together is treasured. Every fleeting moment becomes a memory for tomorrow. Now be it a happy one or sad one, every second we spend today will become things we miss tomorrow. Time has its own tangled way, don’t you think? I read this amazing quote on Pinterest, “The moment you start thinking of the beginning it’s the end.” Whenever I’m asked to summarise a great day, I always copy paste this!