When the season chills run down your bare spine in the morning, you long for someone to be at your side. As I looked out into the morning fog, uneasiness and unwillingness settled inside me, stopping me from getting out of bed. The morning seemed to be longer and the nights shorter because I didn’t get any sleep, my thoughts overwhelm me. Something was on my mind that I did not want to acknowledge. The thought of validating that figure in my mind would practically haunt me, but it’s not validated till you speak of it. As I headed out to work all drowsy, I stopped by the cafe that I usually go to; to grab some coffee.
On the pavement outside, I saw a girl just on her haunches, watching the ground. I went over since I was curious and ever so slightly tapped her on the shoulder. In one swift movement she pulled back and turned, she was playing with a puppy. As I glanced over at her face and saw who she was, I felt the same chills I had earlier this morning. When concrete eye contact was made she yelped enthusiastically, she recognized who I was. I was internally screaming because I knew that she was the same girl I knew in my childhood. Let’s just say that I’ve had my eyes on her for quite a while, we used to be next-door neighbors but something happened and we just stopped coming outside to play. Eventually, we ended up having coffee together and talking about our old days and how we never hung out together, apparently she went to another state to study. From there we spent a few more days hanging out together and everything just fit so well.
On a regular hectic day together we got caught in a little hail but we refused to leave one another stranded. We huddled up next to each other and it was so warm and safe. I kept thinking about what possibly could have been happening in her head too. Was I the only one overthinking? I looked at her blissfully staring off into the whiteness surrounding us and it was so peaceful. She seemed so calm and like herself, the same person as when we were kids. It was odd at first, feeling those feelings but somehow it felt right and I didn’t know how to express them. To be honest I didn’t think I’d be telling her any time soon. The storm passed and I excused myself as I ran away from her in the fear that my actions would speak louder than the words that were going out of control in my head.
The next day we were supposed to meet for an evening jog but it was raining, a very chilly rain. Like I am, I went outside to catch a cold with a couple of my friends. Surprisingly enough as introverted as she was, she joined us too. We were sliding on the wet ground and playing catch. I couldn’t take my eyes off of her. Her smile was so full of life and the amount of fun she was having made me happy. When we exhausted ourselves enough and everyone was shaking in the cold, we had a small chit-chat and returned home. That very night I texted her, but my thoughts got the better of me and I deleted it before she could see. The next day she asked me what I texted her and why I unsent it. I just covered up by saying it was the wrong person. When we met later that day, something was off. I could feel an unusual tension between us and things got awkward all of a sudden. I turned over to her but before any words slipped my tongue, she asked if we could go for a walk, just the two of us. We were strolling and I couldn’t help myself. I asked her if I could tell her something, a secret. She leaned over and I brought myself to kiss her on the cheek. She giggled, making me freeze, in the normal tone she snickered, “Just on the cheek?”. As stunned as I was, I had no time to react as she swooped into me.
About a week later the both of us got into an argument over a misunderstanding and our egos got the better of us. We didn’t speak to each other for three days when all of a sudden she met me out of the blue and very aggressively explained herself and the fragments of my fragile heart pulled me up to talk it out too. We talked about personal things and how it was hard to get attached, how tough it was to feel for someone with no guarantee that it wasn’t one-sided. Love is always a game, the result is in the course of your actions and reactions to the love you give out. Most of us take that leap of faith, that trust in the other that the significant other won’t break their heart. I’ve experienced that hurt and I’ve lived with the love that can kill you. The love that hurts you the most is the only reality that you have because if you didn’t love the other that much then you wouldn’t be hurt with the betrayal or loss of trust. Experience of withdrawal and the feeling of emptiness, no one wants to feel that. By the end of that day, we consoled each other and our bond grew stronger. I don’t regret anything from that day or the events that led to it.
Fast forward to today where we have a stable relationship and we love each other. Not scared of attachment anymore we made it a point to share our thoughts so that nothing was misunderstood or taken for granted. The thing I love the most is that she’s so understanding of how I feel and react to things because of the past that I had. She always finds a way to make me feel better even if it is just annoying me. The fact that we’re so comfortable around each other and tell each other everything feels like love but this time we’re not afraid of the attachment or the fright of the other just leaving. It’s long-term now and we’re staying. That’s our winter love. We hate each other as much as we love each other, there’s always a balance to things and we compliment each other in a lot of different ways. It’s the ways you lift one another when they’re down and persevere that love you believe in because no matter how cold it gets and you get stranded in the rain, they will come back and they’ll give you the warmth that you needed. The vast expanse of a glacier represents my love, regardless of the barren cold land I put my trust in. Don’t go out into the cold to search for it, you’ll get stranded. Finding the warmth in someone that’s offering it to you, that’s your winter love.
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