Have you ever had that moment when you suddenly started questioning every decision you had taken? Everything around you feels pointless. Nothing has meaning anymore. It’s like continuously falling into a dark hole without any signs of light. You keep finding answers without having a constant question in the first place. But there always lies a perfect question for the perfect answer. There is always light within the darkness. And the journey of finding oneself is finally completed when that question is found. That light signifies that you have finally found yourself. Everybody has their own story to tell. No two journeys can be the same and no journey can end without finding that light. So here is my journey on finding myself.

I often heard my friends stating that they were juggling between relationships and their careers at the age of 16. Obviously, I found it super hilarious because my idea of a relationship is very different. Saying that you are juggling between such things at the age of 16 or 17 was just an over-exaggeration for me. Almost everything at this point in time in life is mere experience. You enjoy it, learn from it and move on. Nothing can and should have a permanent impact. At least this is what I thought until a few months ago. Before I tell you what I am about to, a prerequisite is necessary. Basically, I was the kind of person that could never connect to a person properly. More than connecting I could never maintain the connection. You can call it ego or just plain dumb. I never reached out to anybody for anything no matter how close they were. A conversation was something I could never start. It was like I’ll talk if he/she does. Looking back, this is one of the biggest things I hated about myself. Such an attitude gave a lot of regrets as a present. I could easily stop talking to anybody over a fight that I may have started. Yes, there is a ‘but’. Things started to change when I found her. No matter how cheesy and dramatic the previous sentence sounds, it does no justice to what I actually feel.

This was my first relationship and I had just completed 9th grade. She was someone I had known for almost 7 years. She was someone with whom I had had most of my fights with. I never pictured her as a soulmate. She was just there for me when I needed her. My tough times and a sad face turned to crazy times and a grinning face with just her around. And I had never acknowledged this. It was all invisible to me. For her, it was the complete opposite. She had fallen for me along before she confessed. I was something to her which I never thought she could be to me. So when she finally told me about what she felt, I was shocked. I was shocked because knowing me that well, nobody could ever fall for an egoistic idiot like me. What shocked me more was that I had similar feelings too but was just too dumb to feel them. I had no idea about all this. I wouldn’t say it was a tough decision or something. It was all new. I gave it a shot like any other person at that age would. The next three years changed me completely. And I am not exaggerating at all. Going into the details would take me one whole book. But these three years with her turned me into something I could only imagine being. I had finally learned what forgiveness meant. I finally discovered that letting go is the toughest and the most beautiful quality a person can have. She spun the qualities I despised and made a new self. A person that can finally keep his ego aside when it comes to people close to him. She turned me into somebody that finally understands what role, forgiving and sharing things with somebody close means. And since we are already being so dramatic, she was to me like how “Anastasia Steele” was to “Christian Grey” (sorry, couldn’t resist this fifty shades reference). In a nutshell, she plays a major part in what I am today as a person. 

But this is not the light I was talking about. We broke up earlier this year. It was the toughest phase I had ever been through. Suddenly all those friends I normally laughed about started making sense. It was really tough. And it ended in a bad way. As I said, the details will cost me a lot more time and pages. But I was completely broken. Knowing somebody so close for over 10 years. Being in a deep relationship for almost more than 3 years. All this coming to an abrupt end is just not correct. I was shattered because we ended on “no talking and contacting each other ever again” terms. And THAT is when I Found myself. That is when I realized everything I have said in this piece of writing. I finally found the questions to which I always had answers. No matter how much destruction the break-up caused it came with the light. I am able to distinguish between the old and new me only because of that tough phase. I am able to acknowledge her presence in my life only after I have her no more. So yeah, I finally found myself after I lost a huge chunk of the same.

Not every time you can expect to have an amazing journey and a beautiful destination to find yourself. The most beautiful journey with a horrible conclusion sometimes is enough to make you realize your insights. What is important is that you keep learning from the mistakes. After finding that light, try channelizing its power instead of destroying it. And mainly, be thankful to the ones who stood beside at different parts of the journey. Everybody has something to teach and something to learn.

Life will always bring you light at the end. Sometimes in a soft way, sometimes in a hard way. A positive perspective is all that matters 🙂