My head rang, I gasped for air as my body trembled. My world had gone dark and all it took was 3 words. “He has passed away.” That never seemed to be a possibility to me. I could never believe it. How could I? The saint who had a keen ear to listen to everything I had to say was not there anymore. The one person who never failed to believe in me and support me in whatever I did was gone. Just like that. The day we first met was the happiest day of my life and ever since that, it has only been love and laughter. The day he went away was the darkest of days and I knew there was so much more to come. I valued our relationship so much not because it was perfect but because it was so real. We always joked around about who would die first, and what would happen after. Little did I know he would leave me first. It was a short duration of our relationship, I’d say, even though it was 3 years…it could have never been enough. Not for me, not with him. Life with him was so spontaneous, adventurous and filled with joy. He never failed to make me laugh every time I was upset. It seemed now as if all the joy was snatched away from me and I was put into this dark pit of sadness. Missing him in my life seemed like the worst tragedy. Life with him in it was so complete. I never really understood the importance of him being there with me through everything until he was gone. Every day seemed tougher than the last.

I finally knew what it was like, all those movies depicting heartbreak, loss and missing their loved ones. It is true…but those are fiction. There was nothing fictional about him and the pain I felt from missing him so much. Loving him was the easy part, but missing him was the toughest thing ever.

I remember standing by his grave, giving his eulogy like it was yesterday. The cemetery that day looked sadder than usual. Winds blowing, singing songs of grief. Even the trees felt like they were humming to the grimness of the air. The sounds of the grieving family made it impossible to not miss him that day. He told me he hated funerals, how fake it all seemed to him. Like how nobody cared for him when he was alive, suddenly everyone shed a tear for him after he was gone. We all experience death and funerals in our lives but truth be told nobody prepares us for what it would feel like. The plain empty feeling lingering on until it finally sets in, the pain of it all. The feeling of missing him had made me weak, physically. The pain that made me weep for his loss, had me feeling numb. I stood there and watched, as his family went up to give their last regards. It felt as though the universe was giving me a strange, ironic slap in my face. For all the times I sat with him and spoke about the dumb idea of funerals and the fake tears and emotions, especially from those who didn’t even talk to him. How funny it was to me when all those people went up and said how much they would miss him. I knew they would never truly miss him. They could never. Missing him felt like an honour. Something I thought they did not deserve. 

I miss him, every day of my life. I get excited to tell him something funny that happened during my day, then I realise he isn’t there. He was the only one I wanted to share my day with. Those long nights which you made so full of light with your laughter and love never failed to make me glow with your loving eyes. I remember him in every emotion. When I laugh or cry because I know that he was the one who could make me laugh harder and wipe away my tears. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t remember his name. His beautiful brown eyes and that infectiously large smile never failed to make everyone around him fall in love with him. Those brown eyes, shining as the sun shone on them is something my eyes long to see. I felt the longing to feel his touch. My skin craves his imprint on it. I reach for his hand in the cold winters, hoping to be held tight and warm under his arms. I reach for his hand in the hot summers to dance around to the breeze of the sun and laugh until we fall. Unable to feel his hand…I wallow in sadness. I fear, the pain of missing him now has made me numb, for all I can ever feel is the loss of my beloved. Some have tried, but nobody will ever understand the way I miss him. 

Missing that boy has been my greatest honour and pain.